New blog

www.kandthekids.blogspot.com

Aloha

I'm thinking it's time....and I'm not going to lie. Oh this really sucks, completely and totally sucks. Bawl my eyes out want to punch things, never get out of bed sucks. But I can't keep hiding, hoping I never have to say it out loud. Rex and I are getting divorced. I won't even make some little joke or be sarcastic about it. Because it's not funny, it's pain, it rips you apart, and you never know if you're going to be okay ever again. Why am I blogging this? Well basically so I don't have to inadvertanly run into someone at the grocery store and when they ask how Rex and the kids are I won't start sobbing in the cereal isle. The people I know now know. I don't have to repeat the story and if you see me you understand why I look like I had the life taken out of me. Please don't be angry if I didn't personally call and tell you what was going on. I don't want to talk about the failure I'm experiencing or explain what I'm going to do. So basically so I don't have to say it over and over here are the answers to the questions you may be thinking as you read this.....

What happened? Nothing, Everything....Rex and I got married so young. We have grown up and realized that we both want extremely different things. There has been a lot of hurt throughout our 6 year marriage and after so many hours of praying I know that this is what is supposed to happen. There's a peace and an absolute knowledge that I cannot deny.

Have you tried couseling? Counseling, praying, fasting, electroshock therapy (there's my sad attempt at humor) Yes, we have, but sadly oh so sadly it's just not enough

What about the kids? My babies are the most important aspect of everything. The plan now is that Rex is going to transfer back to AZ. Syd and Becks are going to stay here in Colorado with me. They will see Rex whenever and as often as possible.

What about me? I'm going to attempt to keep the house. I'm set to graduate in December which now becomes even more important. My parents who are so wonderful are going to help me even more than they already have. I'm desperately trying to stay on track keeping on swimming.....

What can you do? Pray, for my kids. The absolute worst part about any of this is that they are going to be so hurt. If you see them they might need some extra hugs.

I'm sorry for this, so sorry. No one goes into marriage, creating a beautiful family and planning for the future to believe that it will all end. I cry as I type this and I start and end every day on my knees crying and praying for strength. I know that right now I am being carried through my worst moments. Angels sent as my friends have already stepped in crying with me, pushing me so I pass my pharmacology test, watching my children, just loving me and my family. You reading this now are one of those angels, someday I will walk on my own again and I will be the angel to someone else.

I'm going to change my blog, start somewhere new. This one will stay up I will print it for my babies to see that we were a family when maybe they can't remember. For me to remember that even if there wasn't a happy ending there was a love story. I married my best friend and he will always be my best friend. My Ace who knew me and understood me in ways no one can ever touch. So for all those years of love, of friendship, of happiness. Aloha



www.kandthekids.blogspot.com

Is it bad if I can't talk????

So granted I'm a little stressed. School, kids. work, home...whatever everyone has some stress in life.
Well on Thursday after a pharmacology test I couldn't get the words out of my mouth. I could think them but it was hard to express them. I thought I needed rest and I would be fine. Well Friday night when I get to work I really can't talk. I try to hide it but I'm usually chatty so people obviously noticed. Lucky for me (totally sarcastic) my dr just happens to make his rounds right after I start work. Some coworkers push me to him (Thanks Bev and Chris) He takes me in a room to interview me I try to tell him that it's just stress but well I can't talk it takes at least 5 minutes to say a sentence I'm trying to sign to him. He does a check then decides to take me to the ER.
They take me down and Matt my old coordinator is there so he takes me back to a room immediately. I start crying because I really can't say anything, it's embarassing, and so frustrating. I'm trying to tell people to call my family, so I'm writing stuff down, signing trying to talk which comes out as grunts mostly. I get a cat scan which is inconclusive so they admit me so I can have an MRI tomorrow. I'm still sitting in my scrubs and I'm going to be admitted to the unit where I was working 2 hrs ago....great!
Well I ended up staying for almost 3 days. They loaded me up with lots of Ativan (heavy antianxiety drug) and do tons of tests. Neurologist, MRI, Carotid doppler, Speech therapy looking for some explanation. They wondered TIA (stroke) Multiple Sclerosis, Hyperthyroid, Diabetes.....Well end result....Conversion reaction which is when internal trauma or stress manifests as physical symptoms.
I know I am a bad patient. I argue, refuse any help. I even took out my own IV.
Every day my speech is a little better. I was so happy when I could speak an entire sentence!!! Now I stutter a lot, and I feel silly but I'm trying.

The babies came to visit and were so sweet and cuddly. Becks loved pressing all the buttons on the bed and wearing my slippers.

All the meds they were giving me made me exhausted. I slept all day and all night.

My adorable Coca-Cola bear slippers that I wore all the time.


My girls! I work with the best people. They are so supportive and caring! They've cried with me and given me massages, they were so amazing.

Carol, Wendy, Jennifer, Bev, me, Chris, Kelly

Also, all my friends and ward members who have stepped up for me. Organizing meals, reassuring me, and just generally loving me. I cry every time I think about it. Thank you Thank you. When I can talk again I will call all of you and tell you how much this all means to me.

Sassy

When I was younger I always wished I had a twin. Someone who had my same skills, we could play volleyball together, sing together, just someone who would completely understand me. Well I think I got my wish, she's just 20 years younger than me.
Same hair check
Same nose, cheeks, smile.....

Same eyes!
I've had a few people tell me that my eyes are a very unique color, brown, hazel green...always changing, a little off. I know my father has them, but Sydnee does too!

I have no idea where you got your attitude from!

None at all :)

A few days ago Sydnee was singing in the back seat of the car. She was singing and understands and can apply the meaning of so many musical terms. Now even that took me until I was at least 8 yrs old to figure out. We have the same legs (no I'm not posting a picture of them!) but I've had a few friends that have pointed that out to me. Sydnee also has the bizarre aversion to steping on cracks in the floor, not just cracks but changes in flooring like me.(we don't have OCD it's just an unconscious thing we do)

It is so amazing to be a Mom, to see your child and realize that she is all yours. I now feel like she has always been a part of me. Becks too! I love you babies! You are my entire world. I know that familes are forever, we were together before and we will always be a family.

It's been 3 years!!!

I have lived in Colorado for 3 years. If you ever talked to me you would think it had only been 3 weeks because I tend to rave about AZ. You don't know how much something means to you until it's gone. I plan out my hot spots to hit in 85204 for months. You must go to LJ's pizza, Neilsen's, Mesa Frozen......ok it is all food places, but I love it!! Well in celebration of 3 years of cold and green I found some then and now pics....

I worked with Nathaly for almost 3 years. I have always said that Natty was my first child. She even came to the hospital to meet Sydnee when she was born. She and I had such a special bond, and I still cry whenever I think about her. Her family moved to Arkansas the same week we moved to CO. She was Sydnee's big sister for the first 2 years of her life and one of Syd's first words was Natty. Nathaly called Rex Max, had her own shelf of items in our house, she went with me everywhere. 5 days a week it was me and my 2 girls. I miss her and her family so much! 3 days before we moved I took Natty and Sydnee to have some pictures taken together. I cherish this picture!

This is that little spunky baby 3 years later. Sydnee looks so big. It makes me sad, she's growing up! Of note, a few weeks ago Sassy decided to cut some layers into her hair. So we bobbed it off so it would be more even. She calls it her "rock star" hair.

Beckham is the same age that Sydnee was when we moved. I have always thought that my kids looked so different from each other. One is dark and the other light. Well their hair and eyes maybe different, but if you compare these cute cheeks and nose to that baby girl above....they are definately related. Dang, I have cute kids!!!

It's back.... Nursing school. Every Thursday from 8am to 5pm. Clinicals evenings on Monday and Tuesday. Plus I'm going to be working Friday and Saturday nights. But my class is Psych this time, which is exciting and scary. At least I'll be able to relate to my patients!!

So what does this mean for my family? Dirty house, dirty kids, stressed/crying Mommy... But, we can do this! And it shouldn't matter if I stop working out and pick up my coke habit again (that sounds wrong, Coca-Cola I mean) If anyone wants to help; just if you see me and my clothes don't match or I can't stop drifting to sleep as we chat...forgive me.

Only 10 1/2 more months...but who's counting?????

Don't run in Church!!

Rex works every Sunday and it's really hard to take 2 rambunctious kids to church alone, but I try. During school I work every weekend and the kids go to my parent's ward, so our family doesn't know our ward very well. 2 weeks ago I had this feeling that I really needed to go to church, one of those days where I was sure that I was going to hear a message that would be an answer to my prayers. It was freezing (obviously) but I bundled the kids up and went.
Of note, I'm a bad Mom who can't seem to take away Becks bottle because he's my baby and I'm not going to have any more kids so I want him to stay little. Normally he takes a sippy cup unless it's nap time but I made him a bottle for some odd reason. Also, I never let the kids take toys into church. We have a few toys that I keep in our church bag, but they don't get to take in a favorite toy that they could lose. This day, not wanting to fight I let Beckham take his favorite Thomas the train.
As the closing hymn is being sung Beckham and Sydnee are running down the hall to play, Beckham being 2 trips over his own feet (this happens at least 5 times everyday) but instead of falling to the floor....his forehead hits the corner of a classroom door frame! I'm thinking he's going to be grumpy but I run over as someone who can see his head shouts "he's bleeding!" Oh yeah he was bleeding....everywhere! I slap my hand onto his head to try to control it as someone rushes down the hall to get papertowels.
Well you know head wounds...blood everywhere! I'm shaking as I try to tell Sydnee to reach into my bag and get the wipes. When I look up I'm surrounded by 20 people! Whitney Green (who saw him fall and got the towels) calls Rex for me. The first aid kit is supplied and as an ER doctor (don't know name, I'm HORRIBLE with names) comes to help. She looks at his head and says he needs stitches. Beckham is squirming and screaming of course until Sydnee reaches over and gives him his bottle and train. He completely quiets down and holds still as we mop up his face and bandage his head. Dionne tells me she's going to get her truck and drive us to the hospital (I'm so lucky my work is only 2 miles away) Sydnee follows as I carry Beckham to the car. Dionne convinces Sydnee to go back to chruch with her and come to their house after for cookies! Sydnee can't resist a cookie promise!
Rex meets me at the ER and I am able to finally breathe! As we are in triage I look up to see Joyana Jensen and almost start crying! She knew I was alone and came to help or at least take Sydnee for me. I really don't have many friends and I'm shy about making them but when we moved into the ward Joyana invited us over and is one of the only people I really know.
We go back into a room and they put some numbing medication on Beckham's head. I run upstairs to my unit and get some drinks. I knew I had seen soy milk in my work fridge which is an oddity, but Beckham keeps asking for milk! Finally where we're ready we wrap Becks in a sheet and an ER tech, Rex and I hold Beckham down. The dr removes the bandages and I am finally able to see his cut. She starts cleaning and numbing as I realize I CAN SEE MY SON'S SKULL!!!! I don't mention this to Rex because I was already worried he was going to pass out. We get the stitches in then I hold Beckham with some pressure on his head because a lump is already forming. He fell asleep instantly!
As we drove back to church to pick up my car Beckham kept saying "Run, Sissy, Bonk!"

Head wrapped up like a war victim

Such cute ears!

Playing while the numbing medicine kicks in

Mommy holding Becks still

Passed out, notice the train that never leaves his hands

Getting home all he wanted was to watch a "Twain movie"

So being someone who knows that wounds heal best when they are kept wet...I have the lovely task of making sure antibiotic ointment and bandages stay on my pretty boys head! I was up at least 3 times that first night replacing bandages. I do not want him to have a scar! All week I was chasing him, he would even come find you after he took the bandaid off and point and say "banad"

My parents who I normally would've called to come take care of Sydnee were out of town during this. Lisa Lewis (who I always call my only CO friend) offered to come to church and help me. She works in a hospital as an Interventional Radiology Tech. So she has everything at hand. She gave me super duty bandages, medication..... and something to help me calm down! Beckham needed his stitches removed in 4-5 days so instead of going back to the ER or going to the dr, The Lewis family came over and Lisa took them out!
Beckham screamed and fought when they were put in but he was smiling as we took them out.


I already bought Mederma and Beckham knows that when I say "head" he comes over as I lather him up multiple times a day. It's already looking so much better!!


So my lesson, my answer I realized is that there are people who will help me. I don't have to do everything alone or only have a few people that I trust. It was a really tough month for our family, but I know that I'm not going to be alone as I go through life. I don't always have to be strong and if I have a day where I see my son's skull it's ok to be shaken. I am used to depending on me and when maybe I can't do something there are others who are more than willing to help. The people at church who helped me I didn't even know their names before. But that week multiple people called to see if there was anything they could do. This next year is going to be difficult, I know that there are many challenges already waiting for my family. I'm hoping though that I can accept help, learn to make friends and trust others. But most of all trust that my Heavenly Father will take care of me and my family!